Are Kips for Cheps? – Joyce Korir

This past weekend a friend hosted a barbecue party to celebrate a career milestone and I showed up with an open mind. Given Nairobi’s cosmopolitan nature, I expected a good mix of people. The men, I must say, were quite something. Handsome, charming, an assorted blend.

As the day went on, the food and drinks settled and the small talk followed its usual pattern. Work, hobbies, travel, that sort of thing. I mentioned that I had recently taken up running. It makes for an interesting hobby and truthfully, it is the only physical activity I can do.

“You are Kalenjin, aren’t you?” one gentleman asked.

“Yes, yes, I am,” I replied.

“I knew it!” another added.

“Eh, but Kips for Cheps. Ogopa hii,” said the finest of the bunch.

Hold up. Please, let me make my case before you cancel me this fast. With a very fine man already in my DMs, did I lose this battle before it began? How do I convince this guy that I am not the Chep who will leave for the next available Kip? The comment was meant as a light joke but it struck something. The assumption that Kalenjin men are only meant for Kalenjin women and vice versa is one I have heard many times before.

This one time in campus a rather polished Kip, degree-bound and full of himself, was trying to woo a Kalenjin girl. In the middle of explaining why he was dating a stunning coastal girl, he said, “I am only with her for now, but it is you that I will marry.” Sir, your degree should be withheld immediately. That statement alone deserves academic suspension. Huyu ndio hutuharibia huku njee. Moving on.

Late September this year, I was at lunch with some friends when a similar topic came up. A Luhya friend spoke about how she had to rethink certain friendships because of a stereotype she did not take well. Stereotypes are everywhere. On Raila Odinga’s public farewell, a man with a thick Luo accent went viral shouting, “Murkomen nisaidie one hundred niweke data… Murkomen! Na amevaa tight bwana, hawa Wakale kuvaa ni shida… Murkomen amevaa pencil na ni mheshimiwa!” That sort of thing is how casually people throw around stereotypes. The Kalenjin, in particular, are often said not to dress well. It is not the first time I have heard it either. The Standard ran a rather wild piece describing what Kenyan men think of women from different tribes. This is what it said about Kalenjin women:

“…..Cheps are deceptively obedient as long as you do not cross them. Chelagat can be violent when offended and they do not have the verb ‘forgive.’ In matters bedroom they are still at the ‘missionary’ orientation stage. Those raised in Nairobi are devious sex vixens. If we are to believe rumours, those from Nandi are lazy, while Marakwets and Tugens have tempers that can boil yams from a hundred-acre farm in Kaptagat. They also have little sense of sartorial elegance. The lass with a hairstyle resembling a bird’s nest is likely a Chep-something. Positive: Very marriageable. Not given to many demands besides the father requesting several cows. Kalenjin women rarely stray. A Kalenjin widow can remain faithful for decades. Curiously, many prefer dating Socrates Onyango to Fabian Kipkurui. A man who does not spend on Chep is a loser……” Read the entire article here.

Now, every Chep reading this might want me to emphasise the part about “a man who does not spend on Chep is a loser,” but I want to focus on the line that says, “many prefer dating Socrates Onyango to Fabian Kipkurui.” That right there is the conversation worth having. Why do so many Cheps today prefer to date outside the community? Why do Kips seem so determined to stay within it? Why does everyone else insist that Kips and Cheps belong together?

To make sense of the stereotype, I reached out to friends and peers soliciting opinions on this topic. Duncan Chebon began with a strong disclaimer. He made it clear that he has no problem with intertribal relationships. If two people share values and understand one another, that is what matters. In his view, more intermarriage and cross-cultural interaction would help reduce tribalism in Kenya.

According to him, one of the country’s biggest problems is that too many people grow up without ever meaningfully engaging with those outside their own communities. He explains that for many, tribal assumptions form long before any real exposure to other cultures. “Take a young man born and raised in the rural areas of Elgeyo Marakwet. He might never meet a Kikuyu or a Luo in his life. Everything he knows about them will come from stories, not experience. When people do not mix, they fill in the blanks with assumptions and those assumptions turn into prejudice.”

He went on to describe how this kind of social isolation is more pronounced among the Kalenjin. According to Chebon, the Kalenjin community is close-knit and naturally reserved. “Many of us are shy and cautious. We tend to stick with what we know, it is not that Kalenjins are unfriendly. It is just comfort and habit. People prefer to stay within familiar spaces.” He added on to say that upbringing too reinforces this. Kalenjin culture values modesty and restraint, traits that are instilled early in life. “A typical Kalenjin man is not loud or expressive. He might even feel uncomfortable asserting himself around strangers. He gets confidence from people who understand his world, his language, customs and beliefs.”

That sense of familiarity extends into romantic relationships. “A Kalenjin man expects certain behaviours from a woman. These expectations come from how we are raised. A Kalenjin woman understands those unspoken rules because she grew up in the same culture. She knows what is respectful, how household roles are divided and what people in the community consider a good marriage. That is why many Kalenjin men prefer to marry within the tribe, it feels easier and safer.”

Chebon admits that this safety comes at a price. “A lot of Kalenjin men have fragile egos. They struggle when a woman challenges them. Many still believe being a man means being in control. Love then becomes less about partnership and more about power. In modern relationships, that does not work, especially with women who are educated and independent.”

On the women’s side of the story, Chebon says, “Kalenjin women are raised to be modest and reserved as well. They are sometimes hesitant to date outside the tribe because of deep-seated cultural biases, questions about circumcision, religion, or language. Those prejudices, subtle as they are, keep them within safe boundaries.” However, he acknowledged that change is happening. “Now, many Kalenjin women are tired of this. They find Kalenjin men unromantic, rigid, controlling and some even go as far as calling them toxic. More and more Cheps now prefer partners from other communities who are open, expressive and treat them as equals.” Back to Socrates Onyango.

To add to the conversation, I spoke to two other Kips, who shared that while they believe everyone should be free to marry whomever they choose, they personally would not consider marrying outside their tribe. For them, cultural understanding is the most important thing to companionship and they feel that this connection comes most naturally with Kalenjin women.

Atieno, a Luo woman I interviewed for this particular conversation having studied in a predominantly Kalenjin institution, has observed the dynamics up close. When I asked about her opinion on dating Kalenjin men, she replied that she does in fact care about such things, especially about how someone was raised, which she considers very important. She laughed as she added that she would also not date Luo men, claiming that “99% of them are either cheating or lying.” I will not touch on this remark, we will need to hear more and perharps have a follow-up article on the same. For now heal sister, heal!

Concluding and back to Chebon on whether this divide could be bridged, he says it is possible but would take both men and women to unlearn what they were taught about gender and culture. Kalenjin men would have to drop the idea that authority defines masculinity.

There is no problem with intertribal relationships. If two people share values and understand one another, that is what matters. More intermarriage and cross-cultural interaction would help reduce tribalism in Kenya.

Thank you to the contributors of this article, Duncan Chebon, the Kips and Atieno.

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